Thursday, April 10, 2008

Negative Affirmations

My pal Sarah, in her-ever gentle way, has nudged me to participate in the insecurities meme. And how better to wile away a quiet late Thursday afternoon at work than a public airing of my grievances against myself?

So here we go:

1.) My age. I know, I'm only 27, I'm still young, I have my whole life ahead of me, blahbity, blah, blah. I really thought that I would greet my late 20s with a certain measure of grace and dignity, but my last birthday hit me a lot harder than I expected. It just seems like time is racing by and there's still so much I want to do before I really become an adult. I realize that I am indeed still young, but "still young" is not quite the same as "young." And that's something that I'll never be again.

Oh, and if you aren't sufficiently depressed now, the members of the recently-reunited New Kids On The Block are all pushing forty(!) Chew on that for awhile.

2.) My nose. During the past few years I've more or less come to terms with my features, but my nose is still kind of a sticking point. Let's put it this way...I'm half Jewish. I think most of that half is contained in my nose.

3.) My lack of hobbies. There are plenty of things that I like to do--go to movies and concerts, read, hang out with friends, drink wine. But these things don't really count as hobbies per se, and when people ask me what I like to do for fun my answers seem very bland. I feel like I should take up tennis, or learn to play an instrument or join a club or something. But the truth is that I've never really been much of a "joiner," and when I have some down time all I usually want to do is settle in with a good TV show on DVD, or see what new fashion atrocity is being committed on Go Fug Yourself. It's a bit of a conundrum.

4.) Highway Driving. This is something I definitely have in common with Sarah. Freeways are just part of life in Southern California, so I'm used to it and I actually like driving when traffic is manageable. But I've had enough close calls on the road to realize just how precarious hurtling down a crowded freeway at 70+ miles per hour can be. Also, I don't like driving with other people in my car. It's not because I'm too lazy to drive or too cheap to pay for gas, I just don't like having other people's lives in my hands.

5.) Being a bride. Just to clarify, it's not the wedding or the marriage that troubles me. It's more about my ambivalence toward the whole bridal culture. The idea that your life--from the moment you get engaged to the moment you march down the aisle in some giant taffeta monstrosity--should revolve around planning every perfect detail of your perfect day is very disturbing. On the other hand, poring over pictures of white silk dresses and sparkling rings makes me kind of giddy, and I find myself having endless internal debates over ridiculous details. This simply does not seem like a respectable way for a proper post-modern feminist to spend her time.

6.) Being so disorganized. I am definitely a "type B" personality. I've never met a desk or closet I couldn't clutter, nor a piece of important paperwork that I couldn't lose. And I staunchly defend my right to live in barely-contained chaos. After all, people who are disorganized are more creative, cooler and laid back. (Right?) But sometimes I wish I had natural penchant for organization. Overall, it would probably save me some headaches come tax time, or when I'm trying remember which of the piles on my floor are the clean clothes and which are the dirty ones.

7.) That I'm boring. Sometimes I worry that my life is just this endless march toward the status quo. I'm taking a memoir writing course this semester, and there's a guy in my class who is writing about being raised in New Jersey by his family of Albanian thugs. He has two cousins who once killed a man over cheese. How cool is that? It's not that I necessarily condone dairy-related violence, I guess I'm feeling like I need a little dose of "Funship" in my life.

So there you go. I guess if anyone on my blog roll wants to participate in this, consider yourself tagged!


Noelle said...

There's nothing cool about being raised in New Jersey, no matter how Albanian you are. I'll stand by that.

I don't want to be part of a wedding either, but I do love looking at all the accessories. I think I'd like to plan one without paying for it or participating in it. That's why I'm looking forward to my sister having one some day.

Sarah said...

I'm glad that I'm the only one who doesn't love the concept of being a bride. However, as one of your bridesmaids, I promise to try to make it as fun of a day as possible for you. With the Fab Four in the hiz-ouse, how could it be anything but fantabulous? :-)

neetu said...

--He has two cousins who once killed a man over cheese. How cool is that? --

Best description of envy ever.

And if it's funship you want, you know what to do...hope on a plane and visit your friend in MO. I guarantee there's some stuff we could mess up over here.

Nicole said...

Number 3, 5 and 7. I've had those exact same thoughts. But then you know what I figured out? for number 3- hobbies are lame! have you ever noticed that the way you really connect to people and make new friends is by the pop culture you know? you like BSG! I love BSG! What about the scene where...etc. so you don't need hobbies. i you just need a decent pop culture book of references. For number 5, i've decided i'm just not that type of girl. and i'm really happy i'm not. but at the same time, i want my wedding to be a great big fun party. so anything that doesn't contribute to that is not important. and number 7, everyone is boring in some aspect. but it's your life and you're the only one who can live it. and really, everyone else is too obsessed with not being boring themselves that they could care less if you are. in my humble opinion...

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